Warriors need nine more titles to erase memory of mascot Thunder

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Jurgen Klinsmann Lives! Well, if you call trying to make this sow’s purse into a sow living.

The U.S. men’s soccer team beat Guatemala to maintain their place in world soccer’s dignity chart, but the real problem remains that this is not an interesting team. It has the usual high-work-rate/high-energy/ingenuity-and-flair-deficient players most U.S. teams have had, and ingenuity and flair are the two things the U.S. has never developed to any great degree. And just as the talent in most nations ebb and flow (excepting of course the best teams like Germany, Spain and Italy), this is an ebb tide for the United States.

But hey, Guatemala has been owned – if that’s your idea of a good time.

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The New York Times’ Scott Cacciola, who is embedded with the Golden State Warriors until the Warriors stop Warriorizing, and he’s already running low on topics. Hence, 1,360 words on (Lord forgive him for he knows not what he types) Thunder. This minimum opus (actually, we liked it enough to read it top to bottom) recounts why the Warriors have to win another nine championships to remove the brackish taste of this particular mistake from their yaps.

Frankly, they need to win nine titles in next six years to make the memories of Thunder truly dissipate. I don’t like their chances. But thanks loads, Scott. Maybe next up you can explain why the Warriors have stopped owning this.

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Good job, Duncan Keith. You reminded us of the good old days when players had the ability and the patience to wait at least a shift before viciously retaliating for an honest hockey play.

You know. What the elderly call, “The good old days.”

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Matt Harvey. The New York Daily News. Who couldn’t have seen this coming from the Delaware line?

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Craig Sager better be right about this, for everyone’s sake:

“I think my demise has been prematurely reported. I’m going to make medical history.”

Indeed, he has our permission to beat the ass off medical history and knee the groin of cancer – because fighting dirty is sometimes perfectly acceptable.

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The San Diego Chargers just unveiled the new stadium plan. This is what Raider fans are actually up against.

I will now leave you to your own vicious thoughts.

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With all due honor and respect to our colleague Adam Howard, the NFL certainly has made up its mind about CTE. It has decided on a new strategy that essentially states that if you got any kind of neurodegenerative disease playing football, it wasn’t football’s fault, except in cases where it was, in which case it was your fault, you knew it was dangerous, and screw you. Enjoy your dementia.

What it hasn’t figured out is how to find someone who can rationally put this argument forward, because it surely won’t be Roger (Watch Out For That Couch) Goodell, Jerry (I Don’t Got To Show You No Stinking Links) Jones or Jim (I’m Suddenly An Expert On Aspirin Of All Things) Irsay.

Just trying to help where we can.

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Randy Lerner’s stewardship of Aston Villa, which has mostly been a great steaming nightmare, took a turn for the what’s-the-point with the firing of coach Remi Garde, who couldn’t make the same players perform any better or the owner care any more.

Oh, well. Garde is highly regarded, and will get a job in actual soccer again soon. Lerner? Just another rich guy with a gift for boredom.

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We’re still not sure what the attendance for the first day of the Vegas 16, Downsized To Eight, tournament at Mandalay Bay, but all eight teams can claim to have won it when it ends because there will be no eyewitnesses available to say otherwise.

In all, the perfect sporting event. Everyone’s a winner when nobody saw anyone lose.

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And finally, spring training is finally over, and if you think you know anything more about your favorite team than you did when it started, you either have a drinking problem, or you have a not drinking enough problem.

Whatever the answer happens to be, go away.

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