Teach your future children to be shortstops, not lefty pitchers

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Brandon Crawford’s new six-year, $75M deal with the San Francisco Giants tells us . . . well, nothing, really. This is an important fact, though, in that he didn’t used to be a no-brainer signing, and now he is, as anyone who can make his OPS rise each year of his career, and catch more balls hit his way every season.

So if you are about to have a child, never mind teaching the little ingrate-in-training how to be lefthanded, and bestow upon him/her soft hands and fast-twitch muscles instead.

Or you could take your chances reading to them every day and hoping for the best.

[RELATED: Giants sign Crawford to six-year extension]

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But whatever else you do, love the creepy little sprog the way Houston football coach Tom Herman defines love on his kind of touchy-feely 10-0 team:

“It’s not, ‘Yo, love you dog, love.’ That’s not the word we’re talking about. ‘Love you, bro.’ That ain’t it. It’s kiss you on the cheek, squeeze you real tight, say you-have-my-heart-in-your-hands love, brother. Not, ‘Love you, bro or dog,’ with the one-handed … what did Vince Vaughn say? Ass-out hug. You know? We’re not into that around here.”

And don’t forget the soft hands and the books.

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Journeyman outfielder Chris Denorfia has discovered the fleeting nature of quasi-fame, via NBC7 San Diego’s Steven Luke, who happened upon the story of some roommates in University City who found roughly 600 Denorfia-as-a-Padre bobbleheads dumped in the middle of their street (he has since been a Mariner and a Cub).

“We thought it was from a drug cartel or something,” Jalena Lau, one of the roommates, said. “But when we went through them, they were just regular bobbleheads.”

It’s hard to tell by just reading, but I’m sensing disappointment here.

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But now that we are confident Denorfia’s likeness isn’t being used by smugglers, I see Belgian soccer player Philippe Janssens as a great drug-test effigy.

Janssens had a lavatorial emergency during a recent game and ran past the opposition goal to stand at the back fence to relieve himself (video here, courtesy Who Ate All The Pies, only to discover that his teammates, playing a man down, still attacked and scored while he was finishing.

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Buffalo Bills coach Rex Ryan said what you knew he would – that wouldn’t rule out hiring his brother Rob, fired Monday in New Orleans, to join the Bills coaching staff at some point.

“Not going to lie, it would be fun,” Rex said.

Yeah, because that’s how hires are made. I think it’s called the Stanhope Rule – football as frivolity.

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President Obama told HBO’s Bill Simmons that if he ever wearied of laughing at some of the Republican candidates who are still running for the office he will leave next year (sorry Bobby Jindal), he would consider an alternate universe where he would be NBA Commissioner.

“Well, I'm best suited for basketball,” Le Grand Fromage said. “But I cannot believe that the commissioner of football gets paid $44 million a year.”

Well, Skipper, you have to start somewhere. Maybe you can follow Napoleon Harris, the former Raider, who is running as a Democrat for a U.S. Senate seat in Illinois. He may not win, but you know he’s got a place waiting for him on Park Avenue.

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And more politics, this from the New Hampshire Fisher Cats, nee Primaries: Buy one, buy both, and bring them to your next post-debate bar fight.

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The people at FiveThirtyEight.com have weighed in and still declare the 49ers of the ‘80s and ‘90s as the NFL’s best dynasty ever.

I mean, in case you were wondering in the wake of Houston’s big win over Cincinnati Monday night.

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And finally, the Aldon Smith statement, especially the part about losing his love for the game as part of the cause for his bad choices, will make for some interesting spinning down in Santa Clara. Someone must be blamed for this, and I think we all know who that will be.

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