No resolutions, because nobody ever kept one, ever. No wish lists, because nobody deserves to have their wishes granted. No things wed like to see, because we never see what we like anyway.
Rather, this is a list of non-negotiable demands for those sporting types who inhabit our work spaces, from the Sacramento River west, the Oregon border south or Big Sur north. And these are minimal demands -- we are letting you off lightly.
1. THE AS
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Either show us your money and start digging a new stadium, or shut up and sell. Weve had it with this sell-your-assets-and-pretend-its-progress nonsense. It isnt a strategy, and if you want to be in the real estate business, then buy more hotels. Conversely, if you dont want to be in the baseball business, get out. Oh, and to John Fisher, the invisible owner, show and explain yourself and if you have any plans for the future. Youre not that compelling an absentee owner, and your team is even pissing itself off now.
2. THE GIANTS
Mix in a run now and then. Stop getting injured. Dont start crying poormouth. You have a new owner, so lets see and hear Charlie Johnson. We hate absenteeinvisible owners (see above, and also Chris Cohan), and hes the new guy. And finally, no more references to the 2010 World Series. Youre not defending anything but second place now, so act hungrier than you did a year ago.
3. THE WARRIORS
Win 40 games. Dont explain why you didnt, or why you will next year. Do it now. Were losing the will to care. Oh, and stop getting sued.
4. THE SHARKS
Get to the Western Conference final again, and either lose in seven games or reward the few national people who keep buying what youre selling and reach the Finals. Youre in a rut. Oh, and buy Brent Burns an adult crocodile.
5. THE RAIDERS
Get a general manager. Period. Or dont do it and leave us to wonder if you ever want to build an enduring organization. Oh, and replace Darren McFaddens feet with cast-iron coasters.
6. THE 49ERS
Same as the As. Show us a cement mixer or shut up about the stadium you dont have. Figure out how to top 2011 with the same low profile with which you tackled the task of topping 2010. Oh, and no more humble hearts or mighty men. Jim Harbaugh needs to upgrade his alliterative references, because weve heard all these, and if you dont change, you die.
7. THE CAL BASEBALLS
Figure out how to top cheating the reaper and getting to the College World Series. Oh, and take Stanford and as many of the other Bay Area programs with you as you can carry.
8. THE CAL FOOTBALLS
Find the next version of Andrew Luck.
9. THE STANFORD FOOTBALLS
Find the next version of Coby Fleener.
10. THE SAN JOSE STATE FOOTBALLS
Having gone from 1 to 5 wins, now figure how to get to 8. There is a window here, but it wont stay open long.
11. THE BONDS
Figure out a way to campaign for the Hall of Fame without looking like youre campaigning for the Hall of Fame. And dont complain that you feel like you have to campaignthese are the conditions that prevail, fair or otherwise.
12. THE VANDERVEERS
Find a way to give Nneka Ogwumike her own weekly television show.
13. THE EARTHQUAKES
Get Harry Redknapp, the Tottenham coach, out here for a day of drinks and media schmoozing. Hes an unknown gem on these shores, a gloriously frank talker, he may end up being the English national coach and have his next couple of years ruined by expectations, so he deserves it as much as we do. Besides, if you cant sell us what youve got, sell us your partners best asset for awhile. I mean, Frank Yallop and Chris Wondolowski are good as far as they go, but you have the gold standard in Arry. Get him out here, and damn the cost.
14. THE DE LA SALLES
Think big. Swing big. Sign the contract to play North Dakota State and become a player in the Big Sky Conference.
15. THE ANDRE WARDS
Get the Lucian Bute fight, win it, and watch the money roll in. Otherwise, change nothing. These are the best years of your life.
16. THE IDIOT MEDIA
Just a few helpful reminders. The head coach doesnt have to get all the credit. The quarterback isnt always the most important player. The owner isnt always a weasel, but thats a good assumption to start with. Shouting isnt the same as debating. This isnt three separate markets, its one big one. Stadiums arent the cure-all for anything but the owners need to have a bigger toybox. And to the Bay Area News Group, including the San Jose Mercury, Contra Costa Times and Oakland Tribune, this most of allbring back full box scores for every league in which you have a team, or live with the shame and scorn you so richly deserve.
17. THE UNREALISTIC FAN BASES
Theres no such thing as hating. Theres no such thing as positive or negative coverage. Your teams write the stories, and if you dont like the news, blame your teams for not providing better news. Youre the fans, and the media is the media. You do your job, and stop fretting about how much respect your team gets. It comes when it comes. Take a more Zen approach. Dont beat each other up. Dont drink too much. Dont drink and drive. Dont wear a jersey if youre over 25, or buy one if youre over 30 unless its a gift. Dont worry about whether the seat next to you is filled; if youre there, you have more room, and if youre not, you made a carefully reasoned choice that doesnt require defending. And your team is not entitled to win every game, or never get jobbed by the refs, or sign every free agent, or swindle every other team in a trade. Enjoy the events as they unfold.
And pay for a round once in a while. People are beginning to talk
Ray Ratto is a columnist for CSNBayArea.com