Ndamukong Suh's checklist

Let this be a lesson to you kids out there. When you screw upbecause youre kids and youre mostly stupid until youre in your late 20sput more time and thought into your apology. The apology matters more than you can possibly know.Ndamukong Suh, for example, stomped on Evan Dietrich-Smiths arm when the Lions played Green Bay on Thanksgiving, and even after apologizing to Roger Goodell, the giver of laws and meter of punishment in the NFL (as long as youre a player, anyway), got a two-game suspension without pay, a 164,000 haircut.Sure, you think its because he acted like an over-adrenalized ninny on national television, having a tantrum because he and his team were getting clocked by a better team over the turkey and giblets. Well, we know better. Its actually because his apology was so lame that it made Bill Clintons sound like Richard Nixons.
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But we cant help Ndamukong Suh. Seems only a guy in a lab coat with a very long couch charging 525 an hour can help with whats biting him.We can, however, help you with this handy checklist. As we used to say in the days of papyrus and walrus blood ink, clip and save.1. When youre about to do something stupid, think. Not about whether youre going to do it or not. You are. Youre a kid. Kids have the impulse control of puppies, and are less successful at toilet training. No, what youre supposed to think about is the apology youre going to have to deliver when youre caught. And you will be, because thats part of being stupid too.2. Make a list of everyone who is going to need an apology. Your parents, who got the phone call at 2:45 a.m. The tow truck driver, who has to pull the Lexus out of the lagoon. The parents of all the other kids. The cop who has had a long night and is in no mood for taking any crap from an idiot like you. The people who live near the scene of the accident. Everyone you see, basically.3. Apologize so often that theyre sick of hearing your voice and say, Never mind, drop it, just shut up about it, okay? Theyll forget what you actually did and decide to hate you for invading their personal space with your persistent cries for forgiveness.4. Do the time. Youll get some form of punishment, and youll try to get out of it, but that only makes the punishment longer. Clean your room without being asked. Clean the garage without being asked. Clean Piedmont without being asked. Everyone will know youre sucking up and will be disgusted with you, but theyll admire the thoroughness of your repentance. The devil is often in the details.5. Dont promise never to do it again. Of course youll do it again. Youre a kid. Youre still stupid. Say youll try your very best to be the responsible, honorable child your parents raised, or some such crapola that neither you nor they believe for even a moment.See, this isnt about being better. This is about the perp walk. Do it, because youll get a better sense of where your folks heads are at re: punishment. Do it because you should. Do it precisely because youre stupid, and it may be the only think that penetrates your impenetrable skull and the neutrino-sized brain encased therein.Suh denied he did it, then painted himself as the victim in a conspiracy to point out that he has the anger control capabilities of Kim Jong-Il, then waited a day and issued a statement, and then apologized to the guy who could punish him, not to the guy whose arm he stomped. He was, in short, asking for the suspension, and in terms of apology effectiveness should have gotten morejust for being stupid.And yes, we used the word stupid quite a lot here. There are certain human conditions that cannot be avoided, and one is that you dont stop being stupid until that moment when you can dispassionately weigh the risks and rewards of drinking all that Jagermeister in your parents rec room and decide as an independent thinking human being to drink it in your best friends parents rec room instead. Typically, that happens when youre 28.So until then, spend some time on that apology. It wont make you smarter, and it wont make you better behaved, but its what we as a society want in our miscreants. We measure your behavior not by the crime, but by the willingness to degrade yourself on the comeback. No, it doesnt make any sense, but we as a society like forgiving people after scorning themit makes us feel better, even while were pressure-washing the last few passed-out kids from the driveway.Ray Ratto is a columnist for CSNBayArea.com