MySpace founder should buy Lincecum, put him on display in foyer

Let’s begin with something light and airy – more specifically Vince Staples’ world view on NBA fashion for GQ (I farmed it out this way because I am nobody’s idea of stylish, and because he’s funnier). Anyway, here it is in its totality, and then two worthwhile highlights:

“Carmelo looks like he works on a tugboat.”

“Iman Shumpert’s haircut works for him. He just had a baby though, so it gives the baby something to look at. It’s all about developing the children at the end of the day.”

X X X

Speaking of hair, Tim Lincecum has a new potential benefactor if he wants to extend his Giants career – MySpace billionaire Tom Anderson, who asked this question on Twitter:

“Can we keep @timLincecum if I pay for it? #6manrotation !”

Yes, Tom, I suppose you could. But you could also keep him in your foyer for a lot less money, and feed and play with him whenever you want.

X X X 

Joe Nguyen of The Bold Italic has noticed the weird bifurcation of the Super Bowl and discovered the way to heal the 650 divide.

“Everything about the information above suggests that the event is taking place in San Francisco. Similar issues have come up with fans of the 49ers, some of whom only recently discovered where Levi’s Stadium actually is—in Santa Clara. Perhaps it’s cute that the 49ers play 49 miles away from downtown San Francisco, but visiting football fans may not have been thrilled to find out that the Super Bowl, for which they paid over $4,000 to attend, is closer to the Cisco campus than the Golden Gate Bridge.

“In light of complaints, a local organization, the Santa Clara Association of Merchants, has drawn up plans to reincorporate the area within a half-mile radius of Levi’s Stadium as a new city called San Francisco. It wouldn’t be the first time a state has more than one city by the same name. As committee chair Brian Johnson explains, “We’ve always dreamed of having the Super Bowl in San Francisco, and soon that dream will be a reality.”

Johnson says fans (can overcome the distance by relying) on the Bay Area’s excellent public-transportation system to get to the big game in a safe and timely manner.

“Let’s say you’re in Fisherman’s Wharf in the old San Francisco. You just hop on the F streetcar, skip over to the Embarcadero Muni station, get on the N train, take that to the Caltrain station, ride Caltrain down to the Mountain View station, transfer to the VTA Light Rail and take in the scenery as the light rail whisks you to the stadium. Boom—simple. Just three and a half hours door to door, then another quick hour in the security line at the stadium, and you’re done.’

“Local opponents of the plan say that having a second San Francisco will be confusing and deceptive. ‘Uh, yeah, that’s kind of the point,'” says Johnson.

But the reincorporation, which is expected to be approved by the County of Santa Clara, has been mostly met with support from local homeowners, who expect property values to skyrocket once their properties are located within San Francisco city limits.”

I’ve read far more inane analyses, and we’re still 11 days away.

X X X 

Because times are hard for NFL teams, the fight against greedy workers never ends. Still, the New York Jets reached a settlement agreement last week with team cheerleaders after they filed a class-action lawsuit over wages. The Jets will pay nearly $324,000 in damages and lost wages after the cheerleaders claimed they weren't compensated for practices and other aspects of the job.

Thank God Woody Johnson has put a little away for a rainy day.

X X X 

Former Missouri president Tim Wolfe, who resigned after the protests on his campus that nearly caused a football team boycott supported by then-head coach Gary Pinkel, trying to get his own lost pay issue resolved in his favor. Here’s part of his argument:

“The football team’s decision to strike is what actually brought most of the national attention to our university. In hindsight, the $1 million penalty associated with forfeiting the game against BYU would have paled in comparison to the more than $25 million in lost tuition and fees MU will realize with reduced enrollment this Fall. It’s also a pittance of the threatened loss of state funding that could be as much as $500 million. Unfortunately, MU Athletic Director Mack Rhoades, Coach Pinkel and Bowen Loftin all failed to communicate with system officials on this matter. The football team’s actions were the equivalent of throwing gasoline on a small fire. Coach Pinkel missed an important opportunity to teach his players a valuable life lesson. The end result could be a financial catastrophe for our university.”

No, Timmy, the players learned a very valuable lesson. If you can’t be bothered to do your job, they’ll help find someone who will.

X X X 

Russian sportswriter Slava Malamud tells us that the Kontinental Hockey League, the Russian NHL, is looking to expand to Estonia (fine), China (iffy but why not?) and Great Britain. Wait, what?

Yes, the long-awaited westward expansion of the Putin Era may have begun, but the KHL with its history of unpronounceable names will have to put their first team in Wales, or more specifically Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll ­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch. Or as the neighbors have shortened it, Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll.

Hey, if they can spit out Neftekhimik Nizhnekamsk, they can damned well tackle Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll.

X X X 

Walt (No Neck) Williams, who died Wednesday and once explained his nickname “because I got no neck,” is the answer to one of the great trivia questions ever asked by lonely old men in a dark bar, namely, “Who played two full seasons for the New York Yankees without ever playing in Yankee Stadium?” The Yankees played two years in Shea Stadium while their own joint was being refurbished.

And now both stadiums are gone. No Neck, a nation turns its real-estate obsessed eyes to you.

X X X 

And finally, Rob Gronkowski’s postseason Caribbean party cruise is open for business, with biographies of the entire Gronk-based family. The best, of course, is of his father Gordy, so we provide:

“A.K.A. “The Innovator.” Big G has taken party rocking to epic proportions over the past decades. A former college and pro football star himself, he has redefined party rocking year after year and he has established the precedent for us to live by. Big G will go down in history as one of the most legendary fathers in the history of the world. Cultivating four professional athletes with one more to come, fathers all over the world yearn to be like Big G. Perhaps that is why countless people have offered Big G big money to purchase his sperm so they can have the children of champions themselves. It’s not every day you can see a father hang with his sons on the dance floor, and it’s even more rare to have a father whose sons constantly get rejected by chix because they would rather hit on their dad instead. Women of all ages fall head over heels for the jackedness and dieselness of Big G, and his dance moves . . . Don’t even get us started on his awesome dance moves! He is a successful entrepreneur, a successful father, and the innovator of the Party Rockers!”

Never doubt the man’s jackedness. You don't have to buy his seed, but do not mock his jackedness.