Fits in pads, fits in street clothes: How can you not love 49ers?

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But first, a question: Are special teams even taught any more? Do people on special teams get coaching? Is there some sort of physical malady that prevents special teams players from getting even one thing done without a penalty being called? Are the officials drunk? Are they not drunk enough? Do they just hate having to spend time officiating backups?

My point? Special teams are just penalties with a fancy title, and nothing more. Go on, argue with me. I dare you.

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Torrey Smith pitched a fit when Colin Kaepernick didn’t see him wide open. Anquan Boldin pitched a fit in street clothes. The 49ers committed two more penalties than first downs, and missed the elusive 200 total yards mark for the fourth time in eight games.

How can you not love these guys? Even heading into the cold winter months, the glow and heat from their tire-fire season will warm its fan base – which, by the way, you will know by the fact that it won’t be at the stadium again any time soon.

[RELATED: Tomsula takes blame for undermanned 49ers' loss]

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In case you think NASCAR has outgrown the we-love-wrecks era, Matt Kenseth wrecked Joey Logano in Sunday at Martinsville to make up for Logano wrecking him in Kansas two weeks earlier, and the crowd roared its joyous approval. Logano, you see, isn’t a very popular fellow these days, and sometimes it isn’t the shrapnel people love – it’s the good old-fashioned frontier justice.

Better yet, there was Logano’s on-air response: “Just a complete coward move. It's a chicken you-know-what move to completely take out the leader when you're race is over.”

Oh, just say it, you big candy. That’s what makes television, and communication, and intrapersonal relationships in the 21st century.

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As for Kenseth, he weakly feigned contrition by saying, “It certainly ruined his day. I know what it's like to be that, too. Some days you're the bat, some days you're the ball. It's never fun when you're the ball.”

For those of you behind on your Southern slang, that means, “Bite me.”

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BBC 5Live Radio is reporting that one Chelsea first-teamer has said, “I’d rather lose than win for (Jose) Mourinho.” This, after Chelsea lost Saturday to Liverpool, 3-1 – in other words, mission accomplished for at least one player.

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In an unrelated but equally defeatist moment, Iowa State football coach Paul Rhoads said Sunday, “I don’t know how this comes across, but I’ll say it anyway. We shouldn’t beat Texas, probably.”

Yay abject capitulation!

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Turkish team Trabzonspor’s president, Ibrahim Haciosmanoglu, took the unhappy owner gambit to its best new level by locking the game officials in their changing room until 3:30 am the following day after a penalty call that mildly irked the local oligarch. The incident, which is supposedly being investigated by the Turkish FA, has resulted in no action so far, which is remarkable given that Haciosmanoglu admitted he did it in public and even that the Turkish president had to intervene to get the officials freed.

In other words, the ACC could have done more than merely suspend the officiating crew and the replay official that allowed Miami’s game-winning kickoff return. All they needed was a XXL garden shed, some towing chain and an armed guard.

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The NFL’s reputation as the intergalactic headquarters for tight-hindered hall monitors is safe from the Bolsheviks who run international rugby. After New Zealand’s Sonny Bill Williams (which is a great name even by Jim Bob Cooter standards) gave his World Cup championship medal to a 14-year-old New Zealand fan who was tackled by a security guard after the lad had run on the field during the All Blacks’ lap of honor in the finals win over Australia. “I was walking around doing a lap of honor with the boys and a young fella came running out and he got smoked by the security guard, like full-on tackled him,” Sonny Bill said. “I felt sorry for the little fella.”

The people who run rugby promptly replaced Williams’ medal in honor of his generosity, although you could never say no to a guy named Sonny Bill who says “little fella.”

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With the retirement of longtime Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer, the number of damned-near-in-season coaching changes has grown to nine (including Jerry Kill, Minnesota; Steve Spurrier, South Carolina; Al Golden, Miami; George O’Leary, Central Florida; Steve Sarkisian, USC; Dan McCarney, North Texas; Randy Edsall, Maryland; and Tim Beckman, Illinois, who got canned a week before the season began for being an obnoxious losing coach).

So remember kids, when someone tells you that when the going gets tough, the tough get going, you are legally and ethically entitled to say, “Oh shut the hell up.” The Positively No Longer Coaches Alliance approves this message.

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And finally, I’m totally good if Tiger Woods and Stevie Williams hug this thing out some day because the story bores me beyond mere ordinary run-of-the-mill stupid. And betting that this latest bitchy-fest ends when Williams’ book hits the remainder bin, like Woods’ will.

At least if there is a God.

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