
We’re closing in another exciting season of “Fire That Coach,” the thing that happens in the 37 minutes between the end of the regular season and the start of bowl season.
It’s the part of the season when you only see athletic directors explaining why he didn’t want to do what he did but had to do it for the good of the kids and the program but never because those above him needed it done, so he did it.
Got it? Of course not. You’re not meant to. Just remember that the next coach will more often than not be worse than the one you just canned, because in America, doing something demonstrably stupid is always better than doing nothing because the real national championship is about winning the offseason.
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Sports eats it.
1. EZEKIEL ELLIOT (Ohio State): Ripping the play calls always plays well with college coaches, but because he is that valuable to the Buckeyes and so beloved by Urban Meyer, we will now see how strategic forgiveness works. In any event, here’s what he said after the lads lost to Michigan State:
“I’m disappointed in the play-calling. I’m disappointed in the situations that we were put in, and I wish it all played out differently
It is very disappointing. In the one drive that we had where we kind of had some momentum after we scored on the strip-sack, the plays we ran, we ran a lot of gap schemes and we were gashing them. You guys saw that on that drive. We had a lot of momentum. Honestly, we didn’t see those plays for the rest of the game. Those plays weren’t called anymore. I asked for those plays to be called, and they weren’t. It just hurts. It hurts a lot because of how we lost. I feel like we just weren’t put in the right opportunity to win this game. We weren’t put in the right situations to win this game.”
Oh, and he said there was no chance he would be returning for another season. As though we could not have deduced that.
2. URBAN MEYER’S ARTERIAL HEALTH (1-0): That he didn’t explode from the sternum out already is a win.
3. IOWA (11-0, 6-5, 7-3-1): Enjoying every minute of it.
4. MICHIGAN STATE (10-1, 4-7, 5-6): Beat Ohio State and Michigan without ever leading for a second of game time. Hell, if that’s the measure, they also won the World Series, the NBA title, the Stanley Cup and the Tony for Best Musical.
5. CLEMSON (11-0, 5-6, 6-5): Laughing at the pie fights. Now if Dabo would just stop ducking The Citadel . . .
6. THE CAROLINA PANTHERS SOCIAL MEDIA DEPARTMENT: For responding to this:
“@Redskins Carolina is #Redskins country.”
With this:
“@Redskins Good luck with getting a trademark on that.”
7. BAYLOR (9-1, 5-4, 6-4): For fixing that strength-of-schedule thing.
8. OKLAHOMA (10-1, 8-3, 7-4): For scaring itself half-dead.
9. NOTRE DAME (10-1, 7-4, 5-6): For letting Boston College scare them, too –- though in fairness, if you’re going to puke up the ball five times, BC is the team against which you want to do it.
10. UCLA (8-3, 5-5-1, 3-8): Beat Utah in a game that was played by people. In other words, it looked a lot like Notre Dame-Boston College.
11. NICK SABAN: For apparently getting Charleston Southern (which Alabama mauled) with Georgia Southern (which almost beat Georgia in overtime). Hey, it happens.
12. CONNECTICUT (6-5, 5-6, 2-9): Killed Houston’s chances of bitching about the playoff system.
13. BARCELONA (10-2-0, with the two being losses the way Americans like it to be): Beat Real Madrid 4-0, with Lionel Messi on the bench recuperating from his knee injury. I’m sure the good people of the capital will take this in the spirit in which it is given.
Oops, sorry, that riot happened in Greece.
14. WISCONSIN (8-3, 4-7, 4-7): Fans pelted their own cheerleaders with snowballs because . . . there was snow, and there were cheerleaders. The Northwestern players, who were on the field as well, were never touched. Quod erat demonstrandum.
15. BRANDON ALLEN (Arkansas, 25-38, 336, 7 tds): Made Stanford and Cal fans switch over to ESPNU because Mississippi State-Arkansas lasted so long. Arkansas lost on a blocked field goal, proving that yet again, you screw with the Big Game at your peril.
16. PHILADELPHIA SEVENTY SIXERS (0-14, 6-8, 9-5): Took an 11-point lead over Miami into final 7:13 of the game, scored their next field goal with one second left after missing 10 straight, and lost by five. Anyone can be a Warrior, but it takes a hero to be a Sixer.
17. KRISTAPS PORZINGIS: The only man in basketball who can inspire the phrase, “Stephen Curry, my ass.” Anyone can be a Warrior, but it takes a hero to be a Latvian Knick.
18. COLIN KAEPERNICK: Nothing up our sleeves . . . presto!
19. NORTH DAKOTA (7-4): Overcame the shame of changing its nickname to the aggressively bland Fighting Hawks by beating Cal Poly flat.
20. CHRISTIAN MCCAFFREY (388 all-purpose yards): For repeatedly inducing aural childbirth in play-by-play man Dave Flemming. Somewhere, Gus Johnson is thinking, “I gotta get another octave on my resume.”
21. PORTLAND STATE (9-2): Knocked the red field of Eastern Washington out of the FCS playoffs by beating Eastern Washington on the red field of Eastern Washington.
22. COMCAST CHANNEL GUIDE (beats me): For describing the UC Davis-Sacramento State game as horse racing. I say this with great amusement because I don’t know anyone who does this job, so I’m not offending a potential bestower of gifts.
23. VALDOSTA STATE (9-2): Scored five fourth quarter touchdowns to beat both Carson and Newman, 61-59, in the first round of the Division II playoffs. No word from Vegas on whether this took care of the over.
24. THE 39 BOWL-INELIGIBLE TEAMS: Better luck with your next coaches.
25. KANSAS (0-11, 3-8, 5-6): The least of the 39.
And until next week, go away.