Ratto's Top 25: In Big Game tradition, public loses in multiple ways

Andre Ward approves this message. He’d approve it more if he had been ranked higher than 11th, but merely winning doesn’t get that done – even in boxing, where winning is covering. Covering comes before winning, which is why we do this. That, and enlightening you all about why football exists.

As a betting opportunity, and nothing more. That uplifting enough for you hyenas? Good. Now, the shame.

1. THE THEATRE (records unavailable): There hasn’t been this much discussion about a play since Hair, and that was only because of the nudity. Nobody wanted any of that Friday night, either from cast or audience members. Nevertheless, a very big win, and a very unexpected one given the run of play (as is, who pays attention to the theatre any more?).

2. COLORADO (9-2, 10-1, 5-6): Spent way too much time flirting with Washington State before hunkering down to the duty of dealing with the six. Should be downgraded for the stress-inducing fourth quarter, but covering against a good team always overcomes.

3. TEMPLE (8-3, 10-1, 5-6): Held Tulane to 142 total yards in a 31-0 win that showed why the Owls just get it – winning is all well and good, but covering is next to godliness.

4. ALABAMA (10-0, 8-2, 5-5): Played Tennessee Chattanooga in the SEC’s traditional Slop Week, but because the game had no line (I mean, what kind of degenerate would bet it?), it actually didn’t exist. Though if there had been a line, it wouldn’t have been covered with the 31-3 final.

5. WISCONSIN (9-2, 9-2. 4-7): Took the time and care to score a meaningless touchdown midway through the fourth quarter to assure a cover against a massive number (27½) against a sneaky-good team against the total in PURDUE (3-8, 4-7, 9-2).

6. NEW ORLEANS BABY CAKES (no record): Because of this. And yes, that is an angry baby holding a bat and wearing a crown and eye black while emerging from a crab cake – just like it is in nature.

7. JURGEN KLOPP’S MUG (priceless): After you’ve gotten another three hours of Bill Belichick’s adamantium faceplate and Jose Mourinho’s perpetual power pout, you’ll appreciate the Liverpool gaffer all the more. And if you don’t, you will die alone, abandoned, defenseless and unloved. Trust me. That’s how life works in the post-apocalyptic era.

8. PITT (7-4, 5-6, 10-1): Scored twice in the fourth against Duke to do what it does best – beat the total.

9. THE MIGHTY BUTTOCKS OF YALE (31,662, of which approximately eight went starkers for the cause): As part of the in-game experience at Harvard, a number of Yale students stripped to their epidermii and shared their glutes with the audience when the Bulldogs went ahead 14-7 in a game they eventually won, 21-14.

10. WESTERN MICHIGAN (11-0, 8-3, 6-5): If only their fans had had the foresight to drop their pants during the 38-0 win over Buffalo. In this sport, it’s always the little things.

11. ANDRE WARD (114-113, 114-113, 114-113): Beat Sergei Kovalev to win three of the 26 light-heavyweight belts. Twitter scored it “very very very very close,” and is waiting for verification by the Electoral College.

12. THE BIG GAME (Stanford 45, Cal 31): The line went down from 12 to 10 ½, so the public lost. The total went down from 63 ½ to 60, so the public lost again. It rained most of the time, so the public lost a third time. With the singular exception of Christian McCaffrey running for one sixth of a mile, that’s pretty much the standard Big Game experience.

13. COLORADO STATE (6-5, 9-2, 5-6): Should play Colorado in the national title game. Won’t. Oh well. We never get what we want.

14. LOUISIANA TECH (8-3, 8-3, 9-2): Santa’s ATM, no matter how you like to play.

15. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (8-1, 7-2, 4-5): I’m sure someone can explain to me how their game Sunday against San Francisco has been bet down from 14 to 12. Oh, the 49ers could cover, but I don’t know what evidence is available to make so many people believe that.

16. NOVA THE WAR EAGLE (representing Auburn, 8-3, 8-3, 4-7): Did the traditional pregame strafe of Jordan-Hare Stadium, but finished up by flying head-first into the goal post. Not surprisingly, the bird passed the avian concussion protocol (“Can you see the perch? Good. Get back on it, and don’t tell anyone you see six of he.”) and was declared available for next week’s Iron Bowl.

17. AUBURN (8-3, 8-3, 4-7, but you already knew that, didn’t you?): Gave 54 to Alabama A&M, and won 55-0.

18. CINCINNATI (4-7, 2-9, 2-9): Knowing how to lose consistently is a gift, as long as you let the people who bet know you’re capable of this level of consistency. Well done, ‘Cats.

19. TEXAS (5-6, 6-5, 4-7): Losing to Kansas always plays well in Austin, especially since it happens every 78 years like clockwork.

20. UNLV (4-7, 6-5, 9-2): Didn’t beat Boise State. Didn’t cover against Boise State. Did beat the total against Boise State. Do what you do best, lads. Do what you do best.

21. OHIO (7-4, 6-5, 1-9-1): Like watching LSU play LSU on a tape loop for all eternity.

22. ARIZONA (2-9, 1-10, 4-7): Do you have any idea how hard it is to go 1-10 against the line? Try Central Michigan five years ago . . . and they went 8-4 against the total, so there’s that.

23. WYOMING (8-3, 7-4, 8-3): Nearly lost outright on a Hail Mary to San Diego State, but prevented the two-point conversion that would have cost them the win. No matter, though. They were getting 9½, which meant that 30,000 fans and twice as many bison had already rejoiced at the window, where the true victories happen. Another triumph for Wyomania!

24. SAN JOSE SHARKS (9-8-1, 6-12, 2-13-3): A Stanley Cup hangover is one thing, but now you’re messing with people’s money. Plainly, beard size is no longer the fascinating development it once was.

25. OTTAWA REDBLACKS (8-9, 7-10, blah blah blah): Playing Edmonton in the CFL semifinals. Needs to win (and thereby cover the plus-two) to get to .500. That is not too much to ask.

And with that as our wish on this Thanksgiving week, to locals and visitors alike, we bid you a cheerful and hearty holiday “go away.”