The regression toward the wagering mean that always happens this time of year has seized many elite and sub-rancid teams this week, but fortunately there is still enough degrading ancillary nonsense to entertain us.
Like, say, the Third Subplot of Warriorworld, in which Stephen Curry has permanently lost his shooting touch and is about to become to the three what Andre Drummond is to the free throw. We’ll be keeping track of all these for you this year, because the games are all apocalyptic nightmares waiting to happen, and every defeat is a soul-eating mass slaughter that destroys any reason we should go on as a species.
Except, of course, for the fact that the Cavaliers almost lost in Philadelphia, San Antonio has now lost its last two home games by 39 points, and the world dies Wednesday, so what’s the difference anyway?
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SIGN UP HERE And with that uplifting reminder of what awaits us all, here is Sunday Today Show host Willie Geist with the Top 25. Bottoms up, you maniacs.
1. TEMPLE (7-3, 9-1, 5-5): Consistent cashes bring us all closer to God . . . or whatever your deity of choice might be. Mine is the late Curtis Mayfield, therefore in any god-measuring contest, I win.
2. ALABAMA (9-0, 7-2, 4-5): Beating LSU 10-0 is exactly what both teams and their fan bases deserve, especially because the Tigers (5-3, 3-5, 0-6-2) really are 0-6-2 against the total, which is about as abject as you can get. Yay achieving nothing!
3. COLORADO (7-2, 8-1, 3-6): Needing a late punt return at home against UCLA and its backup quarterback is no way to go through life. Neither is committing eight personal fouls. Not covering the 13½ through it all is, in total, inexcusable. Fortunately, COLORADO STATE (5-4, 7-2, 3-6) reminds us that the road to true enlightenment runs parallel to I-25.
4. AUBURN (7-2, 7-2, 5-4): Vanderbilt? Yeah, Vanderbilt. Never came close to the 23 ½ (hell, they only scored 23 total). It’s like they’re kidding with this or something.
5. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (7-1, 7-1, 3-5): It’s just like a trip to the bank, only the teller wears a hoodie, scowls a lot and talks in a low growl. It's all fun with your paycheck when you're depositing it with Surly McDryIceFace.
6. LOS ANGELES LAKERS (3-3, 5-1, 3-3): Having dope-slapped the team that made him a viable savior for a team that is three years from that salvation, Luke Walton will win the Coach of the Year award he was robbed of last year as a result of games like Friday’s. How’s THAT for a trumped-up subplot, suckers?
7. WESTERN MICHIGAN (9-0, 7-2, 5-4): In the rigged game that is the college football system, it’s nice to know that someone honors teams objectively based on the number of bettors are rewarded by their efforts, like the Broncos. We are grateful for their sacrifice. And now we’re going to shower for about seven hours to get the grime of that last sentence off our skins.
8. WYOMING (7-2, 6-3, 6-3): Five consecutive covers after a slow start has made head coach Craig Bohl a hot name among people who bet Mountain West games. In other words, gamblers so degenerate that they should just save the holiday angst and sell the house and family in hopes of saving the pool table and the dog.
9. TIE, IOWA STATE (1-8, 6-3, 5-4) and OREGON STATE (2-7, 7-2, 4-5): It’s this never-say-accept-your-fate attitude that separates good teams from better ones. The five-game difference between wins and covers, the best in the country, means the ‘Clones and Beavs care about you a hell of a lot more than . . . well, No. 24, to choose one malignant underachiever at random.
11. GEORGIA STATE (2-7, 6-3, 2-7): Nearly as good as the Iowa and Oregon States, and as such should be honored for their hard work in defense of the underserved people who spend 19 hours in a sports book for lack of anything better to do – to which we raise a frothy stein and chant, “SOCIABLE!” in the time-honored Spirit Of Edmonton way.
12. OTTAWA REDBLACKS (8-9-1, 7-10-1, 10-8): Became the CFL’s first-ever division winner with a losing record, and that is not to be scoffed at. Oh, who the hell are we kidding? Of course it’s to be scoffed at. That is, until they become the next Leicester City (123 years), the next Western Bulldogs (62 years) or Chicago Cubs (108 years).
13. MICHIGAN (9-0, 5-4, 7-2): Easily covered the 30 in a 59-3 win over Maryland, but more importantly for Commodore What’syourdeal, another comfortable over, which is why people are fascinated with him and not Urban Meyer (9-0, 5-4, 4-5).
14. CLEMSON (9-0, 5-4, 3-6): For a team whose head coach is named Dabo, this is not an interesting slash line, an interesting team, or a very bettable one.
15. AROLDIS CHAPMAN (2-0, one of those wins in a flaming disaster, 3.45, 6/21, 1.08 WHIP): The new plot line is that the Cubs benefited from his mega-arm until they had to overcome his mega-arm, all because Joe Maddon forgot that even machines need down time. Karma has an odd sense of humor sometimes.
16. SUNDERLAND (1-8-2): THEY WIN! THEY WIN! THEY FINALLY FAIL TO FAIL!
17. TEXAS TECH (5-4, 2-7, 5-4): Hammered Baylor by 40 . . . at Baylor. Shows that it’s never too late to not be the worst team in the country against the line. This can also be said for Florida Atlantic (2-7, 2-7, 5-4)
18. MONTREAL CANADIENS (10-1-0-1, 9-3, 5-6-1): If you’re going to end a long streak of success, lose big. Lose 10-0. Lose to the Columbus Blue Jackets. Next stop: Losing 10-0 to the Columbus Blue Jackets while wearing matching red gingham dresses on skates with Styrofoam blades.
19. OHIO NORTHERN (4-4): Beat Wilmington, 80-3, the second-best result of the day behind St. John’s Fisher’s 68-40 win over Hartwick (no tackling doesn’t mean no concussions), and just ahead of Minnesota-Duluth’s 75-14 win over Mary. Okay, University of Mary, but the demented vision of a Division III team scheduling a game against a single woman is just Pythonesque enough to be amusing.
20. OREGON (3-6, 1-7-1, 6-3): As predicted, the best team in the state turns out to be Portland State (3-6, largely unbettable), followed by West Linn High School (10-0, 8-1-1, 8-2 according to people who bet high school games and should immediately be reported to Child Protective Services).
21. ARIZONA (2-7, 1-8, 5-4): Bear Down is a decent team against the total, but the important number is that “1,” because it came at the expense of the middling posers at Washington, which wins its game each week but finds covering a bit of a chore.
22. ANDY MURRAY (69-9, $10,138,690, No. 1 ranking): Sadly for him, he gets to be the best player in the world two weeks after Mock The Week, the British panel show where he is a delightful audience staple, goes back into stasis.
23. NEVADA (3-6, 2-7, 3-6): Tried not to cover against New Mexico (6-3, 4-5, 8-1), but not even a lightning delay that dragged the game nearly to 1 a.m. in Albuquerque could prevent the Pack from not losing again. Somewhere Colin Kaepernick is telling people he went to Montana (6-3).
24. BOISE STATE (8-1, 2-7, 3-6): Winning eight times and covering twice? I can’t see how the great state of Idaho can tolerate such revolting sloth. At least Idaho (5-4, 5-4, 5-4) works at it a little bit.
25. WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9: The day after the most depressing election in American history. Fortunately, representative democracy has taken knees in the groin before, and eventually will stop throwing up and get back to standing upright again. Probably right after Canada finishes processing those 279,000,000 asylum requests.
NOTE: The Washington-California game ended too late for anyone east of Guam to care. I mean, Washington (9-0, 5-4, 8-1) won, 66-27, and held Cal (4-5, 4-5, 7-2) under four hours, but there’s a principle involved here. People need to sleep, even when they’re gaining an hour. Unless West Coast college football is seeking out the underserved vampire community to bolster its stagnant interest levels, this is unnecessarily tardy, you crazy insomniacs.
Now go away.