Ratto's Top 25: After chaos, Saban is the only thing left to believe in

When you have no game scheduled, you can do one of three things:

You can practice the players to exhaustion so that they don’t get soft, weak or interested in other forms of human life.

You can let them go to class, although that is still an unthinkable solution in most places.

Or you can do what Fresno State (1-9, 5-4, 5-4) did, and hire local hero Jeff Tedford to be your next coach to fix a team whose only victory was against Sacramento State in Week 2. Of course, that wouldn’t have been a cover if there had been a line, which there wasn’t, and if there is no line there is no game, so maybe they’re actually 0-9. Anyway, we wish him well, as long as he understands that covering comes first.

And now, this week’s hell.

1. TEMPLE (7-3, 9-1, 5-5): Didn’t play. Didn’t have to. When you’re 9-1, you make them come to you.

2. COLORADO (8-2, 9-1, 4-6): Beat Arizona and the 18-point line, 49-24, which is kind of like a bye, only it takes about 3½ hours longer to complete.

3. ALABAMA (10-0, 8-2, 5-5): Watching them beat Mississippi State had all the joy of watching Ice-7 melt.

4. EASTERN MICHIGAN (6-4, 8-2, 4-6): How the books thought Ball State should be giving one in this spot evades my comprehension. Then again, so much does.

5. CONOR MCGREGOR (two belts): This probably won’t improve his punctuality.

6. WISCONSIN (8-2, 8-2, 3-7): Scored 48 points against Illinois, a rare win on the total that almost surely means Brexit for the Illini.

7. CENTRAL FLORIDA (6-4, 8-2, 3-7): Picked on Cincinnati (see below) while missing the over by more than half.

8. JOHN CARROLL BLUE STREAKS (Numbers don’t tell the story): Beat Mount Union, 31-28, to break the Purple Raiders’ 24-year Ohio Athletic Conference championship streak, as well as their 112-game conference-game winning streak. By the way, the OAC has the best nicknames on earth, including Student Princes (Heidelberg, although Dueling Scars would be cooler), Polar Bears (Ohio Northern, although not that northern), Fighting Muskies (Muskingum, although fish don’t really do well in official bouts) and the magnificently oxymoronic Fighting Quakers (Wilmington).

9. PITT (4-6, 4-6, 9-1): Took out No. 2 (in the phony poll) Clemson, 43-42, to crumple Clemson’s national championship ambitions, and has covered the total for nine consecutive weeks. Guess what matters more.

10. PENN STATE (8-2, 6-3-1, 8-2): No. 3 Michigan loses to Iowa after covering the pink walls of the visiting locker room at Nile Kinnick Stadium, which means that Penn State can win out and keep both Jim (The Interior Decorator) Harbaugh and Urban (Barrels Of Fun) Meyer out of the Big 10 title game. Oh, and Penn State covered the 6½ at Indiana.

11. SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA (7-3, 6-4, 2-8): Put a swift knee into No. 4 Washington’s dreams with an easy cover in Seattle. Michigan, Clemson, Washington . . . why, it’s like there’s nothing to believe in any more except Nick Saban, and yes, that clicking is the sound of your spine telescoping.

12. MEXICO (Beat the U.S., 2-1, in World Cup qualifying): Disfruta de vivir con dos a uno por un tiempo.

13. CROATIA (3-0-1 in Group I): Put a boot into the mighty football power Iceland to prove yet again that if you really have only one vacation left in you, Dubrovnik beats Reykjavik.

14. LOUISIANA TECH (8-3, 8-3, 9-2): Reliability in an unstable world.

15. OLD DOMINION (7-3, 7-3, 6-4): Stability in an unreliable world.

16. AUBURN (7-3-, 7-3, 4-6): Lost To Georgia, 10-7, in a game that took 26 minutes. Back to the drunken madness.

17. GOLDEN STATE WARRIORS (7-2, 4-5, 6-3): Stephen Curry hosted a team party with a super villains theme because . . . oh for the love of God, just let it go, will you? In fairness, though, the idea of Joe Lacob as the Green Goblin has its quirky appeal.

18. PHILADELPHIA 76ERS (1-7, 5-3 5-3): Beat Indiana in overtime for their first win and fifth cover of the season. Last year, they were 0-18 before winning. The year before that 0-17. I somehow feel compelled to say at this moment, “Trust the process, fools.”

19. CONNECTICUT (3-7, 2-7-1, 4-6): Didn’t play, and probably shouldn’t any more.

20. BAYLOR (6-3, 2-7, 2-7): Is there anything they do that doesn’t make them look bad?

21. CINCINNATI (4-6, 2-8, 2-8): Wall to wall feh. Wall. To. Wall.

22. OREGON  (3-7, 1-8-1, 7-3): Gave up 52 points to Stanford. TO STANFORD! Not even Chip Kelly wants this job even though he has been rumored by morons to be interested because his job is safe unless Jed York goes nuts again and fires him in a fit of half-drunken scapegoatery in which case he’ll be back in a heartbeat got it?

23. ARIZONA (2-8, 1-9, 6-4): Never really stood a chance against Colorado, but your bet was in doubt until the end, which is better than not betting at all.

24. SAN FRANCISCO 49ers (1-7, 1-7, 6-2): Getting 14 from Arizona, the biggest spread of the NFL season. In other good news, the money has gone to the Cardinals since the line opened at 11½. A cover here could help Trent Baalke save his job.

25. CLEVELAND BROWNS (0-10, 2-8, 4-6): Has a bye in two weeks, which means they can’t use post-Thanksgiving tryptophan as a reason for Loss No. 13.

ALSO RECEIVING ABUSE, SCORN AND SPITTLE: WYOMING (couldn’t cover the eight at Vegas, losing 69-66 in three overtimes, and no, beating the total by 74 doesn’t count), BYU (couldn’t cover the 32 in a 37-7 win over Southern Utah), Navy (couldn’t cover the three in a 42-40 win over Tulsa), Oklahoma State (couldn’t cover the 10 ½ in a 45-44 win over Texas Tech), Tennessee (couldn’t cover the 14 in 49-36 win over Kentucky), Western Michigan (couldn’t cover the 21 in a 37-21 win over Kent State), Iowa State (couldn’t cover the 10 ½ in a 31-24 win over Kansas), and the rumored Pacquiao-Mayweather rematch that nobody asked for. On the other hand, Leonard Cohen died. Nice year. Hell of a job, 2016. You so suck.

 

Now go away.