A make-believe conversation between Bochy and his heart

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Well, the “Send Bruce Bochy To The Hospital” inspirational gambit failed.

The San Francisco Giants, who needed a game and a half to win one game Monday night while Bochy was sampling the Miami hospital cuisine, took a quick boxing in about 60 percent of the time on Tuesday with him back. For you who believe in the inherent value of small sample sizes, he cannot be brought back to manage Wednesday morning’s game. His brain had its chance, and his brain managed three hits against Tom Koehler.

[PAVLOVIC: Giants' Bochy was hospitalized for irregular heartbeat]

Thus, as he sat in the manager’s office in the bottom floor of Jeff Loria’s Grand Mistake after entertaining the writers who asked for a detailed breakdown of the Giants’ three hits, his heart started speaking to him.

“Hey Mister Frontier Cardiologist, remember me?”

“Huh? What?”

"It’s me. Your heart. I’ve scared the hell out of you twice in 18 months. Remember me?”

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“Yes. I kind of hate you a little bit.”

“Fine. You should. But you should listen to me a little bit here. You said some nutty things today, and I think I need to remind you of a few things, starting with this: I know me better than you do, and I’m to be heeded.”

“Like what?”

“Must I remind you of what you said earlier today?”

“Like what?”

This is what I love to do. Sure there’s stress in a lot of things you do, it could be family or work. You can make it as stressful as you want. Sure I care and I want the club to do well, but I don’t think I get stressed out. I’m doing a better job of putting it behind me. There’s nothing else I want to do than what I’m doing now.”

“What about it?”

“Nothing, except I don’t really work that way. You may not think what you do is stressful, but trust me, it is. I have to talk your aorta off the roof of the building more often than I want to, so don’t tell me you don’t get stressed out.”

“But I can handle it.”

“That’s what they all say.”

“But I can.”

“You only need to be wrong once.”

“Okay, but I’d be more miserable if I stopped managing.”

“Fine. Say that. That, I believe. That makes sense. But the ‘not stressful’ stuff is high-quality offal and we both know it. And ‘I’m doing a better job of handling it’ is open to a lot of interpretation, especially after you’ve gotten a fresh sample of infirmary pudding.”

“Look, just say what you want to say. Do you want me to quit the thing I love?”

“No. That’s beyond my pay grade. I beat. That’s my job. Not judging you. You could quit and be more stressed. You may very need this for your sanity, and there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with that. But how about we pull back on the ‘I don’t think I get stressed out’ stuff? You’re not Robert Downey  Jr’s chest-plate in ‘Iron Man.’”

“So what should I say?”

“What you know to be true. Like, ‘I checked right into the hospital as soon as I felt cruddy. I have a cariodologist, and I saw doctors as soon as I started feeling lousy. I’m doing everything I can to monitor my health, and nobody has shown that managing is causing my problem. I don’t know if it is or not, and if someone with a license tells me it is, then I will quit that day. But the professionals don’t see that this is a job-ending circumstance, and I’m trusting them.”

“So what’s the difference?”

“Easy. Admit what you don’t know, say what you are doing to manage your stress, and tell people you leave decisions like heart damage to the professionals. Tell them that managing stress is a very inexact science, and that anyone else with your issues should do exactly what you did – see a doctor. You don’t have to quit, and nobody is saying you should. Just don’t tell anyone that you don’t think you’re getting stressed out, because you don’t know if you are or not. Even the doctors don’t know, and admitting that is a good way to tell other people with your issue that there are things you have to take on faith.”

“And that’s all I have to do?”

“That’s all you can do.”

“I’m not used to giving up control.”

“Well, I’m the one with the control, so get used to it. You did the right thing listening to me, and you probably have done the right thing by doing what you do. Just don’t pretend this isn’t some serious crap that just happened. If it wasn’t serious, you wouldn’t have had to wear an oxygenator and a gown that doesn’t quite close in the back. Those are signs.”

“Of what?”

“If I have to tell you, you should check back into the hospital immediately.”

“You’re no fun.”

“Neither are your lineup cards.”

“Damn, that’s cold-blooded.”

“You just got cold-blooded, Comte de Buckethead. Don’t make me have this conversation with you again.”

“I’ll do the best I can.”

“And that’s all any of us can ask.”

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